10 to 1

Getting to know me (Edited)
*some uninteresting facts about me :D

10
Favorite Movies

-Amelie
-50 First Dates
-Empire Records
-Can't Hardly Wait
-Kingdom of Heaven
-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
-Shawshank Redemption
-Big Fish
-He's Just Not That Into You
-American History X

9
Songs I always listen to

-Heart of Life, John Mayer
-Til I hear it From You, Gin Blossoms
-Only You, Yazoo
-Back to You, John Mayer
-She, Green Day
-Thinking About You, Radiohead
-Umbrella, Dog's Eye View
-Farther Down, Matthew Sweet
-Say What You Want, Texas

8
Random Things that I love

-Yellow Flowers
-My Pillow
-Full Moon
-Rain
-Chicken Wings
-Bracelets
-California/Tekka Maki
-Stilettos

7
Sports Team/Athletes that I'm forever a fan of

-Manchester United
-Barangay Ginebra San Miguel
-Gustavo Kuerten
-Jason Kidd
-Iker Casillas
-Tony Hawk
-Manny Pacquiao

6
Things I'm still wishing/hoping to do/happen with John (at least before I die)

-Go to Japan
-Play in the snow
-To walk in the park while holding hands
-To kiss in the rain
-Watch the sunrise/sunset on the beach
-Have at least one book published

5
TV shows/series that I like

-Supernatural
-Merlin
-Grimm
-Umbrella Academy 
-Eat Bulaga

4
Things that are important in a relationship

-Love
-Loyalty
-Trust
-Time

3
Words that best described me

-OCD
-Patient
-Skinny

2
Things that I'm scared of

-Being trapped in the elevator
-When a pet is ill

1
Pet Peeve

-Long Dirty Nails 

An Open Love Letter

Hi sweetie... can I call you that one last time? I hope you won't mind. How are you and your kids doing? I hope everyone's alright and having a nice Christmas holiday. I can already imagine your kids all smiles with the gifts they received while enjoying your delicious lasagna and roasted chicken. Erm, Merry Christmas to you! I know I'm the last person you would wish to greet you on this day and for that I'm so sorry. That's why I send my greetings through here because I know you will never get to read this nor will ever read any of my post.
There are so many things I wish to say to you but I couldn't and I know you wouldn't want to hear, that's why I'm pouring my heart out here. This is the first time I would ever let anyone know how I'm feeling as I really don't want any of my friends to know that I'm hurting on this Christmas day. I could have wished to Santa that you're the gift I want to received but I don't want to make you unhappy on this day and so I won't ask that. On this day, my only wish is that at least you will remember me today even for a bit and hopefully they're good thoughts that will make you smile instead of frown.
You know, despite what happened between us, I still love you and nothing has changed with the way I feel for you. Every second and every minute of the day, you're in my heart and in my thoughts. I never thought I would love someone like this, the kind of love that I've only seen on movies or soap opera's. A love that never dies no matter how much you already had died inside.
But I never regret, not even once, that I met you and though the way we felt then for each other wasn't the same, I am very thankful for the day I found you. You will always be the best thing that ever happened to me. You made me realized a lot of things about love, made me more patient as I was before and taught me how to be strong and learn to forgive. Loving you brought out the best in me, do things I never thought I could and would.
Sorry that on this occasion I don't have any other gifts for you other than my love and prayers. I will always pray to God to bless you more and your kids, heal your ankle, give you more strength, bless you with good health, give you peace and happiness, bless your job and may you find a woman that you always wanted and will love you more than I have loved you.
Oh well, it's time for me to go now. I promise that this will be the last time I'm going to bother you. Again, I wish you and your family a happy Christmas. God bless you all. Goodbye J....
Love,
Lene ♡ ♥ ♡

My Black Christmas part 2

My Black Christmas part 2

Last Christmas I gave you my heart

But the very next day you gave me away

This year to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
- Last Christmas, Wham

Eight years ago I wrote a story ("My Black Christmas", on my previous blogging site) about how I got "friend-zoned" on Christmas day 2006. At least on Wham's song, the guy got dumped the day after Christmas unlike on my case, the friend I had fallen in love with, whom I thought felt the same way towards me, told me on Christmas day (yeah so heartless) that he only see me as a friend. Well of course, that hurt a lot but looking back 9 years ago, I have to say that I'm glad that he did what he did because I realized we were really better off as friends.

(Tell me) I've got to know
Where do lonely hearts go
Because nobody ought to be
All alone on Christmas
- All Alone On Christmas, Darlene Love

The thing is, since that Christmas day I got friend-zoned, I had been alone every 25th of December. Well there was a time in 2009 when I had a boyfriend but he was already so drunk even before Christmas eve that when he got sober, it was 26th and I never did get a Christmas greeting at all. It was like I got cursed to be all by myself on Christmas day. Last year was a vast improvement (with a different much better boyfriend), despite we were apart but I wasn't really alone alone, if you know what I mean. Well better than nothing and thank God for the internet for without it, I won't get the chance to see and talk to him on Christmas day. I was so happy.

Sana ngayong Pasko ay maalala mo pa rin ako
(I hope this Christmas you will still remember me)
Hinahanap-hanap pag-ibig mo
(Still seeking your love)
At kahit wala ka na nangangarap at umaasa pa rin ako
(And though you are not here, I'm still dreaming and hoping)
Muling makita ka at makasama ka sa araw ng Pasko
(To see you again and be with you on Christmas day)
- Sana Ngayon Pasko, Ariel Rivera

I thought last year, having someone on that day had actually ended my Christmas curse but nope, it didn't. Yeah do I have to say it out loud that I'm going to be alone again this Christmas day? It sucks but looking on the bright side, being alone isn't new to me, I'm already used to it. Though I admit it would have been nicer if we're still together but after almost a decade, I have learned to accept that I must be fated to be single my whole life most especially on Christmas. I still feel so blessed though regardless I could be jinxed or not because I'm surrounded by people who loves me and will never leave me without a doubt -- my family.

Poems 2

*old posts from previous blog site thoughts.com (DoubleA)

A Bit Too Not Over You

I saw a picture of you today 
Wearing a big smile on your face 
You seemed happy with your life 
And somehow I just realized 
Why would you ever think of me 
When you never even need me 
I had wished I was there with you 
I closed my eyes and t'was almost true 
My heart still hopes to be part of your entity 
But my mind knew there's no possibility 
Cos in my dreams it says the same thing 
That illusions can always be deceiving.

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Just A Thought

Where are you my lover? 
It has been a while since we talk to each other 
The sweetest man I have ever known 
Who promised to love me forever 
Why I don't see in you anymore? 
The man that I used to know 
What have I done for you to hurt me this way? 
When all I do is to love you each day 
If you really want only me 
Then why you don't even talk to me 
With all these women that you meet 
You must have found what you seek 
I know that it's time let go 
To forget you is the path that I must go 
What we had will just be a memory 
A dream that could never become a reality 
If you're happy without me then so be it 
There's no need for this lady to wait 
All the feelings I have for you were put to waste 
The bestfriend I thought would be there has changed 
My heart has to accept it this way 
Good bye my love are the words that I should say 
If there is something I have realized with loving you 
That some good things never really lasts.

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Replacement

Your place can be taken over 
Just as I thought it would never 
But it suddenly happened 
Even when I don't want it 

Now that you're back 
Expecting the same spot 
You had occupied this space 
And would always top the race 

But deep inside we both know 
That everything is just a show 
And that our lives will go on 
With what our fate has bestowed 

So stop the game you're playing 
And start to win my heart again 
Cos if you won't claim it at once 
Then let me give it to someone.

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Concealed (s.g.)

You've been on my mind lately 
When that's not how it used to be 
I just can't stop thinking about you 
And I don't know what to do 
I ask my heart to stop beating for you 
Because loving you is not what I'm supposed to do 
If one day you'll find out about it 
I'm afraid that would be the end of it 
Losing you is not what I can expect 
It'll break my heart if you will reject 
So I will try my best to pretend 
That you don't even have an effect 
And show that I hardly care for you 
When in fact I want to be with you 
Now to wait for you is what I can do 
Wishing you would learn to love me true 
So I just pray for the day to come 
When you would feel the same way too. 

On A Rainy Day

My "self" has fallen in love again
After quite some time that I tried to avoid the men
But there's something about you that I couldn't resist
So with all my strength I took the risk.
At first I want to stop and say goodbye to you
Because there's no way that you would really want me too.
I know you had been through a lot in your past
Surely fate has a great reason that we crossed paths
Life hadn't been easy for both of us
We can help each other to get back on the track.
If you are hoping to start afresh
With your permission I want to be part of what lies ahead.
Now that you mean all the world to me
All I ask of you is to please let me in.
I love you Johnny today, tomorrow, til the day I die
There's no place I would rather be than inside your heart.

Poems

*old posts from previous blog site thoughts.com (DoubleA)

As I lay down on my bed 
I thought of things which were left unsaid 
Things I needed to say 
I know would have made you stay. 

Why am I still here at night? 
It's not really because I couldn't sleep at all 
But realizing it was already in vain 
That it's you why I stay up late. 

When you told me you have found another 
Someone you dreamt to be with forever 
Now all that is left for me to do 
Is to keep on fighting or just to let go. 

But your happiness means a lot to me 
That I would never want to cause you pain 
And that if she's the true love you've 
been waiting for 
Then I would wished it'll be forever. 

For I know time will come 
I'd tell you what my love for you has become 
If it's love that was forgotten 
Or love left unspoken.

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Wide awake in the dark 
Wond'rin where you are tonight 
Were you thinking about me? 
Cause I'm here dreaming of you. 
Wishing you were here lying beside me 
Not just this pillow I'm hugging to warm me. 
Would you give me a chance to kiss you? 
If ever I could get to be near you. 
Will you deny me the opportunity to see you? 
When my heart's longing to be with you. 
When will I hear you say you love me too? 
Not just because you're drunk but it is true. 
Would you rather want me to stay away from you? 
Or you just need more time that I should wait for you. 
Will you feel hurt should I find someone new? 
Or you would be thankful that you'd be free from me soon. 

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Trapped

"Why Should I Care?", he said 
From the boy I cared about the most 
Heard it in the morning but since then 
Those words keeps going on and on 
in my head 
Like a ghost that keeps on haunting me 
Like a nightmare that doesn't make me 
want to go to sleep 
Like an echo that keeps on repeating itself 
Like a boomerang that keeps on coming 
back to me 
Like a shadow that never leaves me 
I tried to run away... 
I tried to hide in seclusion 
But it follows me everywhere I go 
Would it come after me when I'm dead?

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I wrote this for a friend ... I'm not sure if I should mention his name 
here (lol). He knew about this and I wish him all the best things in life. 


A prisoner of the past 
Who longs for a love to last 
But no matter how hard he strive 
Her heart doesn't want to try 
For her now he is just a mate 
A friend she wouldn't date 
He's a reflection of how I used to be 
A girl who gave her everything 
I wish he would set her free 
To move forward the way I did 
If the woman he loves is meant for him 
Sooner or later, fate will do their thing 
Just open the door to your heart to clearly see 
There could already be someone who is your destiny 
The one who will love you more than you could 
If you loose her then you are a fool. 

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Healing the Heart

Healing the Heart

What are you going to do when you feel like the world has turned its back on you? How do you smile when everything inside you is crying? What will you do when you're hurting? Are you just going to depend it on time to heal your wound? Some people would shop, they're the lucky ones because they have money to spend; some would go out with friends, or to a party or on a date; others would sulk and cry til they get tired then after awhile cry some more.

Each one of us has their own way to heal the heart and in my opinion, you can do whatever you want as long as it's not going to affect your family, your job and your health. If you wanna go out to meet new people then go for it. I don't think that it is bad if the "ex" is already looking for someone new. Not just because they hurt you, they don't deserve to be happy. Don't you remember that when you were together, you want him/her to be happy? So give him/her that chance. Everyone has the right to do what they know will help them move on but they must be sure that in the process, they are accepting and forgiving, not just forgetting it for one night. If you know what I mean.

Usually when I'm heartbroken, I would have my hair cut too short. In that way, much of my attention would be on my hair, either I liked it or I regretted it that I almost forget how hurt I am. At times, it inspire me to write (I do have an old blog account) but there are times I don't feel like doing anything at all. Sometimes, I would keep myself busy with work and chores til my mind is too tired to think while there are times I would hide in the bathroom to cry. I would pretend I washed my face and my eyes got irritated by the soap. Yeah, now you know. But a lot of times, I would go to church to pray and talk to God, then there are times I just sit there doing and saying nothing for hours.
So yesterday late afternoon, I was at my nephew's university and thought of going to their chapel while waiting for him from his 4:30 to 6pm class. I just sat there for like half an hour then I don't know suddenly I knelt and talked to Him. Halfway thru it I realized that I was actually like speaking to Him as if He is in front of me. I didn't know that anyone could be hearing me. Anyways, normally, one would pray to bring "them" back but me, I didn't. Not that I'm saying he still wants me or that I don't love him anymore but because I know I am the hindrance for him to have a real happy normal relationship. So I said to please make him not come back because for sure I will take him back. I mean it when I said that I want him to be happy and even if it doesn't make me part of it, the most important thing is he is happy. So that's what I prayed to God.

There are those that might raise their eyebrows on me... or say I'm hypocrite or "plastic" but nothing makes me happier if I know that the person I care about is happy. I will always be happy for a friend who got engaged or been promoted, got a new baby or gave a lost love another chance, being with someone they love. I choose to be happy. I may not want to live without him but I can surely live without him. So I am keeping my hair long. Life is too short to waste on negative things, to hold a grudge on someone you used to care so much.

Looking for love in all the wrong places

Looking for love in all the wrong places. 

I actually just read that in some free ad site while bored and browsing the net and it wouldn't leave my thought. It kept on coming back into my mind every time I have already forgotten about it while busy doing stuffs. I guess it's because I recently had my heart broken and the post made me realized a lot of things about love and relationship. One thing for sure is that I find it silly for the poser to say that and wondering if he is trying to say that "online" is the right place to find love. Erm, not that I find long distance relationship or "ldr" weird as I had been to one but is there really a right or wrong place to find love? 

I think we all create that idea to make an excuse for a failed relationship we had. Like for example, we met someone at a party and then it didn't turned out well, afterwards we would say that a party girl or boy will never make a great wife or husband because all they want is to party. So are you saying that just because they like to party, they're incapable of loving and will never be a good partner? What makes you believe that part of why the relationship failed isn't your fault? 

I have this friend who left her husband because she said, she had enough of their fights, misunderstandings. So she got out while he was at work and though the husband tried to talk to her, she refused to listen to whatever he has to say. When I was younger, I would often say, "go girl!" and rejoice for the "girl power" but later on, my views about relationship changed. I would feel happy whenever I hear a couple was able to save their marriage or relationship. Well, going back to my friend, so after awhile, she felt lonely and decided to give love another shot. Since she isn't really into bar thing and most of the people we know were either married or younger, she decided to join meetup sites. Out of curiosity, I looked at her profile to see what she wrote in there and had a laugh after I read the part of what kind of a man she wants to meet. She just totally described her ex husband... the characteristics, the reason why she actually fell in love with him when they were still dating. Yeah, I know because she told me years ago. 

So I'm thinking, is there really a specific place to meet the "one" for you? That you should avoid going to this place or better go to that place because only the best comes to it? I once almost got robbed by a decent looking guy... mind you, he was wearing a slacks and long sleeved shirt with a necktie. What I mean is that you can never tell how great a person is by how they dress nor live their lives. Until you've seen their worst then you'll know if that person is worthy or not. 

Like I always say to friends and acquaintances, sometimes when you feel like giving up on someone, try to remember all the reasons that made you love them. See their best points and forgive their wrongs. Anyways, no one is perfect. Always try to see good things though it doesn't mean you don't have the right to complain. If it's still worthy to save then why not go for it. If you believe that you'd rather part ways and find a new one, my advise is think of all the things you hated about that person and surely you will never looked back again.